In SIlence and In Health

Right now I am about 3 and a half days into silence and if you think that means that my last 84 hours were relaxing, drama free, sex and the city marathons...you would be wrong. Oh no, in fact I have barely made it through a movie. There have been loving visitors, guest attended meals, dvr catch up and of course, no weekend goes by without a fight or two with my boyfriend. One might think that in silence who could fight, one might think that who would consider challenging a poor voiceless soul. Well let me tell you.... Dean has decided ever since I told him not to keep anything bottled up that he should always be forthright about how he feels, no matter the situation, even if that means telling me any and every time he deems my behavior abhorrent, or horrible, as he likes to call it.

Thanks Dean! Thank you for deeming my reaction to being woken up by my father and thereby saying one word out loud, one MORE word then my weeks word allotment, as horrible. You are probably right- letting something so small like speaking with a cut up vocal cord bother me is so, well, wrong! Being stressed out while not being able to express myself in any way- that must be wrong too.

What do you think this is, some sort of a vacation?

It's not.

It's an odd thing how lovers deal with each other in times of need. The people that are supposed to be the most understanding, the most comforting, more comforting then even a mothers touch, are most often the most unable to help. This could be because they are uncomfortable watching someone they love feel hurt or incapacitated or because the injured loved one does not want to to let their said lover make them feel any better.

It's hard for two people to let themselves be there for each other. Vulnerability, we are told and have been told for ages, is the hardest state to allow oneself to be in. So I am not writing today to put down Dean, he is wonderful to me, but for some reason in my vulnerability as patient and his vulnerability as caretaker we have been, well, HORRIBLE to each other.

Strangely though in the absence of my regular ability to communicate we have had to resort to typing, e mailing which means, wait for it....thinking before speaking! And oddly this has been effective, more honest and more hurtful in turn, but at least efficient and hopefully effective. We heard each other, in the silence, actually heard what the other was saying. I'm uncomfortable being out of commission, he is uncomfortable watching me in pain, he has trouble with needy, so do I. And we pissed each other off, in silence. And we made up in silence.

I don't know if it's a good sign or a bad sign that even in silence my boyfriend and I fight. If I should feel badly that I have trouble relying on someone I love or that he might have trouble being there for someone that he loves back.

Or maybe this is not a sign at all, maybe its another small argument between people who really just want to be close to each other, in silence and in health.

x
red out loud