OMG!!

Oh. My. God.

I can not believe that I have not written for so many days! I am a horrible tease! I write and write and write when I can do nothing but and now that I can speak I have forgotten about all things important! :) So now at 5:32 am on Thursday October 25th I am here!

How far back shall I take you?

On October 18th I arrived at Dr. Woo's office for my post op check up and what would be my first voice therapy session and what would be the first time I heard my voice. It was 6 days post op- meaning I did not have to wait the full 7 days, but I still think it is pretty huge that I lasted even 6 days!!! If you know me or can tell by how long my entries are, you know I have many words and I am not quiet about it.

But it was a lovely week (6 days) and truthfully it was so lovely that it got kind of addictive and between you and I, I was not that excited to begin speaking again.

I know- that sounds crazy! This is not to say I was not excited to begin my road towards singing again. THAT I was excited for....but speaking. For 6 days I did not have to answer to anyone and I mean that literally. I wrote things down of course, when I needed something or wanted to partake in a conversation, but I had this fortunate excuse when I did not want to participate, for why I couldn't. And as I had described in earlier passages it it got me out of arguments that would have ultimately escalated and that was a plus but it also prevented me from talking about how I felt about what I was going through and forced me to go through it alone, which I did not mind. I did not even want visitors, "no fun to have a visitor when you can't chat, I'd much rather be alone," I would think to myself. And I did, I thought to myself, I asked my self tons of questions and when my psycho therapist mother would ask me the dreaded question- how are you today? Is this hard for you? Are you upset? (ok that was 3 questions) I would not have to answer!

And the truth was, I wasn't upset by it! I enjoyed the silence. I never enjoyed silence before because I don't think i gave it a chance to seep in and work it magic. But there I was with only me to talk to (and of course you) (and of course my buddy list, my g chat list and e mail) (But still)!

I talked to myself about everything but mostly I thought about my relationships. My friends, my family, my boyfriend and I made realizations. I rely on my relationships to feed me, but do I feed them? And while I am so busy letting my relationships feed me, do I ever feed myself? And the answer was no, I love the attention I get from all of my relationships, I love being paid attention to it and I think being alone in the past made me hunger for that. Attention and busyness. Being ALONE meant being lonely. But my 6 day silence taught me otherwise. I could be alone, chat with myself and feel quite satisfied.

And now that I can speak again, I am excited to speak to the people I love, but I have not jumped back in and not just because my doc told me not to, but because I sort of enjoy space. And between you and I, I think it's making the people I love like me back a lot more, some people have even claimed to miss me!

I miss you too! Maybe that is a good thing!

xRed Out Loud