Picture this:
Friday night, 10:45 pm, 26 year old girl, perched on parents bedroom lounge chair gearing up for a night of "Studio 60" catch up, waiting for my mother to finish up with her nightly routine in order to get started.
It's a real party here in Teaneck, New Jersey!
After high school I decided to study at Tisch School of the Arts at New York University. I did so because a)I got in early b)it was one of the schools my parents would allow me to attend to study drama and music because it was also a "real" school c)it was the number 1 school in the field of undergraduate acting training and d) (secretly) it was very close to home. Additional perk was of course that it was in downtown Manhattan, a city I dreamed of inhabiting for my entire life. Now I am not some small town girl, I grew up in Teaneck, albeit a suburb, it was still only miles from Manhattan. My start at NYU at 18 years old was not, as it was for many of my friends, my 1st or 2nd trip to Manhattan. In fact, I don't actually remember my first visit to Manhattan, the first sighting of the bright lights, the first subway ride I took, the first sight of the skyline, it was just always our city. My father works in Manhattan, any time there was something fun to do as a family (museums, shows, dinner) it happened in Manhattan. This is not to say that I didn't experience the same excitement as, say, the fresh faced, bright eyed student from Omaha, Nebraska felt upon finding out that I would get to pack my bags, drive accross the GWB for the umpteenth time and park my self and all of my belongings in the great city of Manhattan, the big apple, the city of bright lights, the city that never sleeps!
I was ready! Though only 15 minutes from home I felt entirely new, independent, larger then life, almost eratic. There was no focusing for me, everything was at my fingertips. New people, all kinds, I made my first friends of many different types. Having grown up in a religious Jewish community and going to religious Jewish schools I was generally surrounded by Jewish people. I had even opted to dorm at NYU with my friend from highschool, so branching out was exciting. And I did.
I graduated from College 4 years ago, and through college I thought I had experienced it all, I thought there was not possibly more to the city that I had not already uncovered, people, places, shows, parties and so on.
I had not even made my first trip to Brooklyn yet ;) What did I know.....
Over the next 4 years New York City opened up worlds to me I had no idea even existed. I worked at a record label, PR firm, nightclubs, hob nobbed with celebrities (I did just use that phrase didn't I), hung with the starving-est of artist. Dated the wrong people, dated the right people and did wrong by them. Experience after experience. And I loved it. There was nothing to stop me in Manhattan. It was my town.
In all of that my favorite part of life was my music. I think many people reading this expect this blog to be all about the music I write, sing, play, listen to, new tracks, new tunes, new shows. My influences, my artistic journey, my life as an artist. Well, this is it. Much of life as an artist, few will lead on, has nothing to do with the creation of your art or music in my case. It is experience. You need to have it in order to build material, in order to write. The other side of being an artist, aside from creating art, is networking, being out, meeting a zillion people, talking your ass off and working your shit like never before. I'm a natural when it comes to that. Talking to people is my game, its why I did well in nightlife, as a party promoter, its why PR came easy to me and its hopefully why I will find success as an artist.
And all of this is what has taken up pretty much the last half of my 8 year stint in the big city. I attempted to conquer its small world. And it was a blast.
In the meantime of all of this I suffered from a major voice disorder, nodules, polyps, swollen cords and I fought through it all. Sleep meant little to me, drinking with friends at parties meant a lot, staying out late at rock shows meant more and writing and singing my music to whomever would listen mean the MOST.
So I did it all and I did myself in. People would often look at me and say, how do you do this? It will catch up to you, you are burning your candle at all ends, yada yada.
Whoever said that to me, this part of my blog is an ode to you.
How right you were.
Because (pan left back to current scene) I am sitting here typing this blog, sitting home on a friday night (in my parents house, where I now LIVE), taking it easy, hoping to retrieve some semblance of myself in order to keep on playing and singing my music.
After 8 years experiencing life in Manhattan, I have opted to give up my Gramercy apartment, give up the opportunity to have a fabulous job in the fabulous nightlife/events industry and continue on my pursuit of my dream to play my music, to be a successful musician and make it my life.
I made this brave decision before I found out I had done myself so far in that a lump had manifested itself on my vocal cord a trial which stood as a major road block in all of my majorly brave plans.
So still I sit, here at home, only now I wonder what the hell will happen to me. My plan of touring the west coast in August and the east coast (with my lovely friend Derek James) has to be put on somewhat of a hold as I figure out when and how I will afford this major surgery I apparently need.
Still I will spend my 2 weeks in LA, checking out that lifestyle, playing a great show with my friends Fools For April on the bill. But then I will return home, to New Jersey! Not Manhattan! Reasess my life, fix my voice, get better and get out on that North East tour by MAYBE November. This is if everything goes well.
If not.
It looks like watching Studio 60 reruns from my parents bedroom arm chair will be my life.
Y'all better pray for me!
I promise the next blog will be music related ;) I actually have many fun things to let you all know about.
xRed Out Loud
Friday, June 29, 2007
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
TO DREADED DOC!
Yesterday I got my second opinion....the scary second opinion!
I went back to my original doctor, the one who told me I had damaged my voice the first time around. The reason I went to see him- Dr. Peak Woo- is because he is one of the most renowned surgeons for this type of disorder AND the speech Pathologist that works with him and with his patients is Dr. Linda Carroll, who for all intents and purposes saved my life four years ago when she taught me how to sing around and work through the nodules I had developed on my chords.
When I found out about this new injury I thought it would be best to see the doctor with the best speech pathologist on staff and so Dr. Woo was an obvious choice!
Getting to the doctor was no easy feat on the subway in 95 degree weather but I had my friend Nicole with me to videotape the entire thing, so at least it was entertaining. Nicole- FYI- is probably one of my most entertaining friends who is also immensely talented and has offered her hand in helping me not only blog about this experience but video tape and edit it into a documentary as well.
(THANKS NICOLE)!
Anyway after about an hour of waiting to see Dr. Woo and an influx of patients with seemingly worse problems then my own, Nicole and I finally made our way into the examination room.
The examination room consists of an examination chair, sat upright, a couple of computer and tv monitors and a scope. There must be a full length term for this "scope," but I will just stick with the abbreviated version. "scope." A long, narrow, metal tube like contraption that they essentially stick down your throat to magnify your vocal cords in order to check out what is wrong with them.
Dr. Woo was a tiny bit hesitant about being videotaped for the purpose of the blog and the piece nicole and I are working on, but we warmed him up and got some good footage, especially of the actual scope, which you guys will see up here soon.
It's strange to go and have your insides looked at. Part of your insides that are so important to you and its strange to think the tiniest of muscle produces sound out of a persons body. But thats how it works. These tiny little vibrating mucousy looking muscles in a v shape form (truthfully one might confuse the photo with another type of V shaped exam), make sound. All different kinds of sound...people use the sound for singing, words, laughing, crying and any kind of emoting at all. two little mucousy muscles. You dont think when you speak that they can be damaged easily and changed forever. I doubt the regular person thinks about it. I didn't start thinking about that until I was 21 and now I will continue to think about it, probably, for the rest of my life.
So the doctor told me what I expected to hear, "the cyst is smaller, but its there, you will likely need surgery." BUT he did say I could have some more DRUGGSSSS to get through the next month of shows that I have, that LA is still in my future! There is a therapist there that I can work with while Im out there doing my show and working. BUT when I come home in mid August I will be home bound, surgery bound and silence bound. No singing again until likely October. (at the earliest).
I have to tell you, the first thing I thought was...."what should my last word be right before I go down for this very frightening surgery?"
Then I thought, "will I sing again?"
We shall see.....positive attitude and Dr. Woo should do the trick.
I went back to my original doctor, the one who told me I had damaged my voice the first time around. The reason I went to see him- Dr. Peak Woo- is because he is one of the most renowned surgeons for this type of disorder AND the speech Pathologist that works with him and with his patients is Dr. Linda Carroll, who for all intents and purposes saved my life four years ago when she taught me how to sing around and work through the nodules I had developed on my chords.
When I found out about this new injury I thought it would be best to see the doctor with the best speech pathologist on staff and so Dr. Woo was an obvious choice!
Getting to the doctor was no easy feat on the subway in 95 degree weather but I had my friend Nicole with me to videotape the entire thing, so at least it was entertaining. Nicole- FYI- is probably one of my most entertaining friends who is also immensely talented and has offered her hand in helping me not only blog about this experience but video tape and edit it into a documentary as well.
(THANKS NICOLE)!
Anyway after about an hour of waiting to see Dr. Woo and an influx of patients with seemingly worse problems then my own, Nicole and I finally made our way into the examination room.
The examination room consists of an examination chair, sat upright, a couple of computer and tv monitors and a scope. There must be a full length term for this "scope," but I will just stick with the abbreviated version. "scope." A long, narrow, metal tube like contraption that they essentially stick down your throat to magnify your vocal cords in order to check out what is wrong with them.
Dr. Woo was a tiny bit hesitant about being videotaped for the purpose of the blog and the piece nicole and I are working on, but we warmed him up and got some good footage, especially of the actual scope, which you guys will see up here soon.
It's strange to go and have your insides looked at. Part of your insides that are so important to you and its strange to think the tiniest of muscle produces sound out of a persons body. But thats how it works. These tiny little vibrating mucousy looking muscles in a v shape form (truthfully one might confuse the photo with another type of V shaped exam), make sound. All different kinds of sound...people use the sound for singing, words, laughing, crying and any kind of emoting at all. two little mucousy muscles. You dont think when you speak that they can be damaged easily and changed forever. I doubt the regular person thinks about it. I didn't start thinking about that until I was 21 and now I will continue to think about it, probably, for the rest of my life.
So the doctor told me what I expected to hear, "the cyst is smaller, but its there, you will likely need surgery." BUT he did say I could have some more DRUGGSSSS to get through the next month of shows that I have, that LA is still in my future! There is a therapist there that I can work with while Im out there doing my show and working. BUT when I come home in mid August I will be home bound, surgery bound and silence bound. No singing again until likely October. (at the earliest).
I have to tell you, the first thing I thought was...."what should my last word be right before I go down for this very frightening surgery?"
Then I thought, "will I sing again?"
We shall see.....positive attitude and Dr. Woo should do the trick.
Monday, June 25, 2007
drugs
The doctor found the cyst on my vocal fold the day before I was set to sing the national anthems at an event I helped plan and three days before I was set to sing a show at my favorite downtown venue- The Rockwood Music Hall.
I told him there was no way I could not sing these shows. He told me that there actually WAS no way I was singing the shows unless he put me on a steroid pack. You guys hear steroids and you think heavy duty working out, big muscles, facial hair, heated temper etc. Supposedly these steroids are just to reduce swelling of any kind (hence my vocal cord with its new and large growth)!
Let me tell you. they work! They worked so well for me on Thursday night that I not only sounded like my recent self I actually sounded like my ORIGINAL self! You know the self before I even had my first vocal injury. Just round gorgeous notes, easy to sing and lovely.
My mood was a different story. They tell you to be wary, steroids can effect your mood, they can make you nervous, emotional, depressed, hyper. I mean, I feel most of those things on a daily basis as it is, but woa. Were they right. Just as I was ready to call steroids my new best friend, fiend for them, seek out any means to have them by my side at all times I started to feel this small inclination towards ripping my hairs out, one at a time, my heart was beating fast, and I kept having to leave the room full of people to make sure I was still alive in general. The next evening after a long day I came home to my apartment, which I only have for the next 6 days :( sat on my couch and just cried. No good reason, just melted down.
woa.
maybe steroids aren't the best idea. Do I give up sanity in order to have a pretty voice for the next month, just to get through some shows that are extremely important to me?! The answer for me seems obvious.....
Watch out for some crazy, babbling red head walking the streets of New York!
And come out to my shows, because at least they will sound good!
x,
Red Out Loud
I told him there was no way I could not sing these shows. He told me that there actually WAS no way I was singing the shows unless he put me on a steroid pack. You guys hear steroids and you think heavy duty working out, big muscles, facial hair, heated temper etc. Supposedly these steroids are just to reduce swelling of any kind (hence my vocal cord with its new and large growth)!
Let me tell you. they work! They worked so well for me on Thursday night that I not only sounded like my recent self I actually sounded like my ORIGINAL self! You know the self before I even had my first vocal injury. Just round gorgeous notes, easy to sing and lovely.
My mood was a different story. They tell you to be wary, steroids can effect your mood, they can make you nervous, emotional, depressed, hyper. I mean, I feel most of those things on a daily basis as it is, but woa. Were they right. Just as I was ready to call steroids my new best friend, fiend for them, seek out any means to have them by my side at all times I started to feel this small inclination towards ripping my hairs out, one at a time, my heart was beating fast, and I kept having to leave the room full of people to make sure I was still alive in general. The next evening after a long day I came home to my apartment, which I only have for the next 6 days :( sat on my couch and just cried. No good reason, just melted down.
woa.
maybe steroids aren't the best idea. Do I give up sanity in order to have a pretty voice for the next month, just to get through some shows that are extremely important to me?! The answer for me seems obvious.....
Watch out for some crazy, babbling red head walking the streets of New York!
And come out to my shows, because at least they will sound good!
x,
Red Out Loud
Sunday, June 24, 2007
The Past
Welcome to Red Out Loud.
I'm a red head. I'm loud in all areas, I talk too much, I write honest songs about personal situations (sometimes too honest) and I sing, LOUD, for the most part.
So I thought calling this Blog- "Red Out Loud" made perfect sense.
I actually started this blog over three months ago. I thought it would be a hoot to just chat to myself and whoever else stumbled upon this blog all about my life's trials and tribulations! Such trials and tribulations for the most part (as most blogs do) centered around boys, dating, parties and all sorts of other boring things.
I deleted it today.
Don't worry it is saved somewhere safe, so that if and when my life goes back to being that trivial (I also like to think of it as fun) I can repost them on a new and improved blog.
But now I want to blog about something else.
I am a singer. I write songs too, but I was born a singer. Most people who are singers talk about how they were singing from the day they were born. I don't remember if I sang when I was bron, I dont think people can actually remember that far back to tell you the truth, so I will skip that silly overused line and try to actually remember when I became aware of my voice.
I think that I always talked a lot and I for certain know I was quite opinionated, even before the words formed. I am also sure that mom and dad played loads of music for me as a baby. I also come from a family of entertainers on my father's side, my grandmother a dancer, her sister a singer, their brother a trumpet player. Music was there from the start. My earliest memories of singing though, I mean really singing and thinking "wow, I think I like this" probably go back to kindergarden or maybe the first grade. I had my first best friend around then, Rebecca. She would come over almost every day and we would parade around my parents living room listening to the record, yes it was actually a vinyl record, of Andrew Lloyd Webber's "The Phantom of the Opera."
Now, at this point in my life, and it is 20 years later, I am a rock singer, with influences that range from Carole King, Janis Joplin and Bonnie Raitt as a singer to Crosby Stills Nash and Young, Jackson Browne even James Taylor as a songwriter.
But then, that was it for me. BROADWAY MUSICALS! And in fact it stayed that way for about 15 years after that. My family moved to East Brunswick from Teaneck and my "living room musical" switched from the overplayed "Phantom of the Opera" to "The Secret Garden." Oh how I loved to sing the maid's songs. I never remember enjoying singing the ingenue roles I always remember loving the supporting characters, the belters, the big, brave bold songs. And I think it was with this musical that I realized I was not only singing, but I was singing well. Actually amazingly well for a girl of about 9 years old. My mother would cook away in the kitchen and I would sing, like no one was listening. Of course, I took breaks from my broadway song collection to sing more contemporary hits of the day, for example, I think Debbie Gibson's "Lost in Your Eyes" stood tall on that list!
My musical tastes did broaden eventually. Mostly thanks to the ever present family roadtrip to upstate New York to visit the grandparents, to ski lodges for family vacations, to the jersey shore! My father would play all sorts of music from his younger life- Carole King, Crosby Stills and Nash, The Eagles, James Taylor, The Beatles, Cat Stevens, Dan Folgerberg. Then one day he played a record he thought I might enjoy, told me, this woman could sing better then anyone else. Fact. Of course, my father only speaks in facts.
Barbra Streisand came to being in my world. I know it sounds strange and to some maybe embarassing to list Babs as one of my earliest music memories. But I won't lie (this is a blog after all), Barbra defined song to me. She sang, she hit notes I had never heard before and I just HAD to be able to sing like that. So I sang along, I imitated and I think that was the beginning of my technique. I embodied her, i memorized her songs, i figured out her sound, her voice placement, her level of passion and I emulated it.
Then there was the vocal stylings of Bette, Mariah, Ella even Celine that took over my heart. I still fancied myself a good broadway score to sing along to, but once I found out about these vocalists the challenge was on. I would sing like these people if it was the last thing I'd do. And I did. And I'm not tooting my horn, I could sound like any of the above listed singers. And for me the feeling of singing to such great heights isn't an explainable one. It felt right, it was who I was and it became what I wanted to be.
I did musicals, I sang at family get togethers, I got solos in the school choir, I took voice lessons, sang karaoke etc. and I was noticed for it all. Then at the age of 15 I think the most significant musical moment of my teenage years came about. My father bought me a stereo that had the capability of turning regular cd's into karaoke. The best part of this was that the stereo came with a microphone. It plugged right into the stereo and fit right into my hand. Immediately I began playing with this toy, spending hours at a time, night after night singing along to all my favorites. These were my most private musical moments. For many singing mostly involves performance, an audience, applause. And believe me, there is nothing like it. But this had none of that. This was just me, a microphone, artists who, at least back then, I loved deeply and my voice. And I just sang. I kept casettes (yes tapes) right by the stereo and recorded everything. It was my medicine, my therapy, my love.
I do hold dear to my heart the musicals I performed in highschool with my acting "troupe" and I do hold my experience at The Tisch School of the Arts close to my heart. Gaining admittance to the best musical theater program in the country was no small feat and I learned a great deal about theater, acting, music and life. I made wonderful friends and sang my heart out. But it doesnt stick out to me as the crux of my musical journey.
My voice at its best and most fulfilling (at least through childhood and my teen years) lies in that poor quality microphone, my shelves of Cd's, that karaoke stereo and the many hours I spent all alone with all of that, just singing. I remember after hours of singing all by myself I would wash up for bed, get under my covers and literally dream about how on earth I could make singing my life. It just had to be.
So no, my memory does not go back to the day I was born and the day I was born was certainly not the first moment I realized where my heart lay. I dont even think it was with The Phantom of the Opera or with The Secret Garden, though those musical are my first memory of attaching myself to music. It was the female vocalists I fell for and the karaoke Stereo that taught me how to sing just like them.
This is how music began for me. This was before it even occured to me that beyond song there was writing, I could write songs and then sing them, but that realization came later for me and only after I realized that the voice I had was not a permanent fixture, that it was fleeting and that it could be damaged, changed and lost forever. And that happened. When I was 21.
I woke up on the day of my college graduation party, ready to take over the world. I had my story all ready to tell to those guests asking me the dreaded question, what's next for you? I had a successful career at Tisch, though I was not cast in the roles I necessarily sought out at school, I had been a part of the exclusive industry night heald for seniors and I had scored myself an agent for theater and an agent for commercials. I was set. I was ready to audition, to work and to be what I assumed I always wanted to be. I had even found my place as a budding recording artist, having made demo after demo of original material with a producer I had found, I was on my way to fulfilling dreams of recording and singing like the greats I had always admired.
I got up, I got dressed for my party I went downstairs opened my mouth to speak and instead of my crystal clear speaking voice peaking through, a hard noticeable rough sound emerged, unexplainably. I assumed that I had laryngitis, not common for me, but I had been spending a lot of time out with friends celebrating our great graduation victory and assumed that it would be a temporary loss. 2 weeks later, it wasn't, 3 weeks later my first voice specialist put a tube down my throat and told me I had bumps on my vocal cords that would probably not go away without extensive therapy.
I had nodules. I would have to be quiet for weeks, I would not be able to go on my auditions and I would have to wait. WAIT. I am not a patient person, so waiting is a word I dont really like. I went into extensive therapy. Tried one therapist, Dr. Anat Keidar. Working with her was probably the worst thing I could have done towards my rehabilitation. Finding out that what had once, in my eyes, been an infallible instrument, was now damaged was enough to make wonder what I had done to deserve this, but she confirmed that. Not a word of encouragement not a word of reassurance. And so I stopped seeing her and for the most part ignored my problem. I stopped going on auditions, the style in my voice was long gone and in my small mind, probably gone for good.
But my non defeatist attitude told me, fuck it, if you cant sing like you used to, find another way. I decided....
I would write songs. So I did. And I found great writers to write with. And I wrote songs I could sing with this new strange voice of mine. I wrote with The Spin Doctors and other notables. I took a job in the music business working for Susan Blond Inc, started attending all of the right parties, continued to do damage to my voice, but continued to further my career as an artist all the same.
I started to write and found out that there had been all of these other past influences I had hardly recognized until that point. There was, as I mentioned earlier, CSNY, James Taylor, Carole King etc. whose writing I found myself emulating. I was thrilled. I had turned a curse into a blessing and quickly began to create a name for myself in the NYC music scene.
Since then my life has been my own music, my heart moved from the great singers I used to love, to great writers, to great blues singers, to unknown artists, to creating a community of songwriters right here in my own city. Theater was gone, technique for the most part, gone. Music was new for me all over again. And I ran with it. I played show after show, worked with one great person after the other, spent late nights out living a lifestyle every good rockstar would want to live. I worked in nightlife, i made my money, I made connections, I pushed forward and I was happy.
Recently I decided I needed to push further, my life needed to be my music, I had hit a major roadblock, gotten past it, I just turned 26 there was no more waiting. I quit my job, gave up my apartment, got ready to move home and go friendhop in LA, play as many shows as possible, I was going to do this, there was no reason my success had not reached a further point. I was ready to move full steam ahead.
Then I found out last week I had not escaped my voice problems, they were back and worse. My once infallible instrment was further damaged (after having healed significantly) a cyst had formed on vocal fold, and this time it was irreversible without surgery.
Here I am writing to you, a one way ticket to LA in my hand, my first LA show booked, managers, producers, lawyers all ready to work with me on my big push. And Im about to go silent for three months.
This is all I'll have to keep my thoughts on the outside of my brain if I can't speak them. So I hope you'll read, now that you know me, where I come from and what I've been through.
You know my past, now I head into my future with yet another curve ball. I had hoped to describe my musical journey to you, the shows I would play, the songs I would write, the success I would find, the friends I would meet along the way, life lived as ONLY an artist, FINALLY!
Nope, not yet! I have another stumbling block to climb over. And its going to be the hardest yet. There will be weeks of silence, months of rehab but I am not giving up and thankfull I will have you to listen to me! (or at least read me).
Oh- I promise this will be the longest entry of the blog....just thought I would update you on the last 26 yearsin the life of deena godman (t least musically) and to tell you the truth I have only brushed the surface....
Be back around soon! Hope to get some photos and video footage up here soon, once I figure out how that is done!
Good night to you all.....
xRed Out Loud
I'm a red head. I'm loud in all areas, I talk too much, I write honest songs about personal situations (sometimes too honest) and I sing, LOUD, for the most part.
So I thought calling this Blog- "Red Out Loud" made perfect sense.
I actually started this blog over three months ago. I thought it would be a hoot to just chat to myself and whoever else stumbled upon this blog all about my life's trials and tribulations! Such trials and tribulations for the most part (as most blogs do) centered around boys, dating, parties and all sorts of other boring things.
I deleted it today.
Don't worry it is saved somewhere safe, so that if and when my life goes back to being that trivial (I also like to think of it as fun) I can repost them on a new and improved blog.
But now I want to blog about something else.
I am a singer. I write songs too, but I was born a singer. Most people who are singers talk about how they were singing from the day they were born. I don't remember if I sang when I was bron, I dont think people can actually remember that far back to tell you the truth, so I will skip that silly overused line and try to actually remember when I became aware of my voice.
I think that I always talked a lot and I for certain know I was quite opinionated, even before the words formed. I am also sure that mom and dad played loads of music for me as a baby. I also come from a family of entertainers on my father's side, my grandmother a dancer, her sister a singer, their brother a trumpet player. Music was there from the start. My earliest memories of singing though, I mean really singing and thinking "wow, I think I like this" probably go back to kindergarden or maybe the first grade. I had my first best friend around then, Rebecca. She would come over almost every day and we would parade around my parents living room listening to the record, yes it was actually a vinyl record, of Andrew Lloyd Webber's "The Phantom of the Opera."
Now, at this point in my life, and it is 20 years later, I am a rock singer, with influences that range from Carole King, Janis Joplin and Bonnie Raitt as a singer to Crosby Stills Nash and Young, Jackson Browne even James Taylor as a songwriter.
But then, that was it for me. BROADWAY MUSICALS! And in fact it stayed that way for about 15 years after that. My family moved to East Brunswick from Teaneck and my "living room musical" switched from the overplayed "Phantom of the Opera" to "The Secret Garden." Oh how I loved to sing the maid's songs. I never remember enjoying singing the ingenue roles I always remember loving the supporting characters, the belters, the big, brave bold songs. And I think it was with this musical that I realized I was not only singing, but I was singing well. Actually amazingly well for a girl of about 9 years old. My mother would cook away in the kitchen and I would sing, like no one was listening. Of course, I took breaks from my broadway song collection to sing more contemporary hits of the day, for example, I think Debbie Gibson's "Lost in Your Eyes" stood tall on that list!
My musical tastes did broaden eventually. Mostly thanks to the ever present family roadtrip to upstate New York to visit the grandparents, to ski lodges for family vacations, to the jersey shore! My father would play all sorts of music from his younger life- Carole King, Crosby Stills and Nash, The Eagles, James Taylor, The Beatles, Cat Stevens, Dan Folgerberg. Then one day he played a record he thought I might enjoy, told me, this woman could sing better then anyone else. Fact. Of course, my father only speaks in facts.
Barbra Streisand came to being in my world. I know it sounds strange and to some maybe embarassing to list Babs as one of my earliest music memories. But I won't lie (this is a blog after all), Barbra defined song to me. She sang, she hit notes I had never heard before and I just HAD to be able to sing like that. So I sang along, I imitated and I think that was the beginning of my technique. I embodied her, i memorized her songs, i figured out her sound, her voice placement, her level of passion and I emulated it.
Then there was the vocal stylings of Bette, Mariah, Ella even Celine that took over my heart. I still fancied myself a good broadway score to sing along to, but once I found out about these vocalists the challenge was on. I would sing like these people if it was the last thing I'd do. And I did. And I'm not tooting my horn, I could sound like any of the above listed singers. And for me the feeling of singing to such great heights isn't an explainable one. It felt right, it was who I was and it became what I wanted to be.
I did musicals, I sang at family get togethers, I got solos in the school choir, I took voice lessons, sang karaoke etc. and I was noticed for it all. Then at the age of 15 I think the most significant musical moment of my teenage years came about. My father bought me a stereo that had the capability of turning regular cd's into karaoke. The best part of this was that the stereo came with a microphone. It plugged right into the stereo and fit right into my hand. Immediately I began playing with this toy, spending hours at a time, night after night singing along to all my favorites. These were my most private musical moments. For many singing mostly involves performance, an audience, applause. And believe me, there is nothing like it. But this had none of that. This was just me, a microphone, artists who, at least back then, I loved deeply and my voice. And I just sang. I kept casettes (yes tapes) right by the stereo and recorded everything. It was my medicine, my therapy, my love.
I do hold dear to my heart the musicals I performed in highschool with my acting "troupe" and I do hold my experience at The Tisch School of the Arts close to my heart. Gaining admittance to the best musical theater program in the country was no small feat and I learned a great deal about theater, acting, music and life. I made wonderful friends and sang my heart out. But it doesnt stick out to me as the crux of my musical journey.
My voice at its best and most fulfilling (at least through childhood and my teen years) lies in that poor quality microphone, my shelves of Cd's, that karaoke stereo and the many hours I spent all alone with all of that, just singing. I remember after hours of singing all by myself I would wash up for bed, get under my covers and literally dream about how on earth I could make singing my life. It just had to be.
So no, my memory does not go back to the day I was born and the day I was born was certainly not the first moment I realized where my heart lay. I dont even think it was with The Phantom of the Opera or with The Secret Garden, though those musical are my first memory of attaching myself to music. It was the female vocalists I fell for and the karaoke Stereo that taught me how to sing just like them.
This is how music began for me. This was before it even occured to me that beyond song there was writing, I could write songs and then sing them, but that realization came later for me and only after I realized that the voice I had was not a permanent fixture, that it was fleeting and that it could be damaged, changed and lost forever. And that happened. When I was 21.
I woke up on the day of my college graduation party, ready to take over the world. I had my story all ready to tell to those guests asking me the dreaded question, what's next for you? I had a successful career at Tisch, though I was not cast in the roles I necessarily sought out at school, I had been a part of the exclusive industry night heald for seniors and I had scored myself an agent for theater and an agent for commercials. I was set. I was ready to audition, to work and to be what I assumed I always wanted to be. I had even found my place as a budding recording artist, having made demo after demo of original material with a producer I had found, I was on my way to fulfilling dreams of recording and singing like the greats I had always admired.
I got up, I got dressed for my party I went downstairs opened my mouth to speak and instead of my crystal clear speaking voice peaking through, a hard noticeable rough sound emerged, unexplainably. I assumed that I had laryngitis, not common for me, but I had been spending a lot of time out with friends celebrating our great graduation victory and assumed that it would be a temporary loss. 2 weeks later, it wasn't, 3 weeks later my first voice specialist put a tube down my throat and told me I had bumps on my vocal cords that would probably not go away without extensive therapy.
I had nodules. I would have to be quiet for weeks, I would not be able to go on my auditions and I would have to wait. WAIT. I am not a patient person, so waiting is a word I dont really like. I went into extensive therapy. Tried one therapist, Dr. Anat Keidar. Working with her was probably the worst thing I could have done towards my rehabilitation. Finding out that what had once, in my eyes, been an infallible instrument, was now damaged was enough to make wonder what I had done to deserve this, but she confirmed that. Not a word of encouragement not a word of reassurance. And so I stopped seeing her and for the most part ignored my problem. I stopped going on auditions, the style in my voice was long gone and in my small mind, probably gone for good.
But my non defeatist attitude told me, fuck it, if you cant sing like you used to, find another way. I decided....
I would write songs. So I did. And I found great writers to write with. And I wrote songs I could sing with this new strange voice of mine. I wrote with The Spin Doctors and other notables. I took a job in the music business working for Susan Blond Inc, started attending all of the right parties, continued to do damage to my voice, but continued to further my career as an artist all the same.
I started to write and found out that there had been all of these other past influences I had hardly recognized until that point. There was, as I mentioned earlier, CSNY, James Taylor, Carole King etc. whose writing I found myself emulating. I was thrilled. I had turned a curse into a blessing and quickly began to create a name for myself in the NYC music scene.
Since then my life has been my own music, my heart moved from the great singers I used to love, to great writers, to great blues singers, to unknown artists, to creating a community of songwriters right here in my own city. Theater was gone, technique for the most part, gone. Music was new for me all over again. And I ran with it. I played show after show, worked with one great person after the other, spent late nights out living a lifestyle every good rockstar would want to live. I worked in nightlife, i made my money, I made connections, I pushed forward and I was happy.
Recently I decided I needed to push further, my life needed to be my music, I had hit a major roadblock, gotten past it, I just turned 26 there was no more waiting. I quit my job, gave up my apartment, got ready to move home and go friendhop in LA, play as many shows as possible, I was going to do this, there was no reason my success had not reached a further point. I was ready to move full steam ahead.
Then I found out last week I had not escaped my voice problems, they were back and worse. My once infallible instrment was further damaged (after having healed significantly) a cyst had formed on vocal fold, and this time it was irreversible without surgery.
Here I am writing to you, a one way ticket to LA in my hand, my first LA show booked, managers, producers, lawyers all ready to work with me on my big push. And Im about to go silent for three months.
This is all I'll have to keep my thoughts on the outside of my brain if I can't speak them. So I hope you'll read, now that you know me, where I come from and what I've been through.
You know my past, now I head into my future with yet another curve ball. I had hoped to describe my musical journey to you, the shows I would play, the songs I would write, the success I would find, the friends I would meet along the way, life lived as ONLY an artist, FINALLY!
Nope, not yet! I have another stumbling block to climb over. And its going to be the hardest yet. There will be weeks of silence, months of rehab but I am not giving up and thankfull I will have you to listen to me! (or at least read me).
Oh- I promise this will be the longest entry of the blog....just thought I would update you on the last 26 yearsin the life of deena godman (t least musically) and to tell you the truth I have only brushed the surface....
Be back around soon! Hope to get some photos and video footage up here soon, once I figure out how that is done!
Good night to you all.....
xRed Out Loud
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