Ignore-ance

I am doing it. I am running away. I am quitting my job, I am going to Africa, I am going to have surgery on my vocal chords one last time, I am going to have no money and no job and I am going to go back to school to learn how to help other people. I feel I can do it all. All of a sudden.

When I told my mother that I was definitely having surgery and that this time I would take my recovery seriously, I assured her I would. And I got boiling mad. Inside of course. I did not let her know. There is no point. My mother quivers in fear when it comes to life she does not know. She is always questioning my decisions unless they are in line with hers. Ignorance I call it. And I am ignoring it.

I also know that she is not wrong. I have picked things up, talked worlds about them and then dropped them. I have done this. The last time I had surgery on my vocal cords, I was back at it again in no time. Drinking, smoking, treating my health and body badly.

This time it feels different. I feel like I am changing my life, my life style, my life choices and I am ready to recover. I am ready to do the things I am afraid to do. The things I am afraid to be good at. And I firmly believe that there is no reason to not be as good as you are.

Just because something does not happen overnight, does not mean it will never happen at all.

Maybe I am being Ignorant.

But I am going to ignore that possibility for now.

wanna hear something funny...

After all this, I miss my voice and myself. I am applying to grad schools in social work. My friend Scott said, wow, that is so not you. He is right. I told him the truth is, I want to pursue my voice again. I want to do what it takes to make it sing musicals again, the way it used to. I want to act and sing again. I have been sabotaging myself since I injured my cords the first time and I am spent. I have wasted 6 years treating myself like shit. I want it back. I am 28 and I want it back. I am told, 28, is not so old. Why will I spend my day tomorrow applying to school. Because I want to keep my life logical. I want to appease my parents and I am incredibly interested in human beings and the psychosocial dynamic. that is actually the truth. But what do I want. I want to sing. I want my voice to be the easiest part of me again. I want to achieve what I have convinced myself is the impossible, cause its not. I want.

9:19 am

It was 8 years ago at this minute that my mother called my cell, woke me up on my only late class day of the week and told me to get out of my dorm room twin sized bed and look out my over sized window. There they were, running for their lives. The television went on, the footage repeated the actions that had happened less then an hour ago. The world changed, Manhattan changed and it felt like my surroundings turned in circles for days following. My thoughts are with those who lost loved ones, those who volunteered their hands, time and lives on that day and even to those who were too shocked to figure out how.