how can you mend a broken heart?

Why do hearts even have to break at all? And why is the opposite of love, hate? How do love and hate always manage to meet each other at the border and then make the transfer?

Tonight I saw Dean and it was the first moment after a hard break up where you suddenly forget who that person was to you at one point. Past love, past hatred all the way to indifference. Not Utter indifference, but the first hint of it. Our existences just did not influence each other. Someone who once held me and who I held back.

For the most part we fought, I won't deny that, but we held on for a year. Were we just being selfish? Were we just up for the challenge, or did we love each other? What is love if it can end in such a spiteful way? Addiction I suppose. Ease with one another. Reluctance to give up. Narcissism at its height.

The thing is there is no end in sight for me now. I just don't even see the possibility that I will ever settle down. Have never had such bad luck with finding a connection then I am having now and also never been so obsessed with it, which I am sure is the problem.

I just really don't have much to give and that means there will be little for someone to take. So I just feel like there is no point. And one would think that would feel like a relief, yet trying NOT to get involved with people is at the forefront of my mind.

WTF? I just want a break from life.

In other news, cute, new neighbor, just killed a big, ugly bug for me. I think I'm in love.

Thank you, Andrew....

xx, Red Out Loud

facebook

I am a stalker.

I am a procrastinator.

I am a little bit lonely.

I am a little bit bored.

I wonder what he is showing off in paris. His art? His other woman? She is not much to show off. I am not being mean, I am just being honest. I found a pic on facebook.

Facebook is the bane of my existence. I should be e mailing managers and artists for hi res photos. I should be sending out e mails to listings editors and making sure my shows are getting listed. I should be finding a band to place with Jay Nash on November 24th.

I am doing none of these things.

I am just sitting here listening to a great record and wondering what he is doing in Paris. The balding, jewish, creative artist. I used to cry a little when we did it. I have no idea why. I guess I really did like him. I pretended not to. Maybe that is what went wrong. Or maybe he just did not like me like that.

What is the point of casual? Why is that what everyone wants with me. Casual. I am so not casual. Last night I accidentally, casually, spent the night in my friend Derek's bed. Oops. If my ex knew he would die. That is probably why I did it. It was worthwhile, I will say that.

Nashville comes to New York in a month. I am excited. I love to love and be loved. But I pretend I like to be single. I don't. I am just tired of all the effort, I guess that is why it is easy to keep my heart invested in something that is so far away. Minimal effort, minimal chance for heartbreak.

I don't think my heart could handle another crack. It is getting really unshapely at this point.

I miss singing songs.

x,
ROL

Follow Through

You never called me. Like you said you would, time and time again. Guess you really liked her better, though you didn't lay with me that way. Misleading is the name of you game. So you never called.

I wonder why you said you would. I mean, why bother, I guess, if it's not there, its not there, right? Why bother is a question I could ask myself as well I suppose. It is all just one big circle when it all comes down to it, after all. I mean I will likely not call the other him. It is just not worth it. Where would the fun be in consistency anyway.

What is it about our generation, we are all on a quest for something bigger and better. For the next big thing, a quest for awesomeness. Boredom is our most common nightmare, and we fight it. And then we walk alone. And we like it. Because alone, that can't possibly get boring.

It's just easier that way.

Tonight he explained regular was not for him, he wanted to spice it up some. My hot
neighbor's HOTTER brother. yummy. And the sexual tension raged between us. Yet we did not spice it up. Not even a little.

Though we did make a second date, if that is what it was....

We are going to the shooting range next Saturday.

And even though I love that I am sitting alone my bed now, hearing moaning from the apartment behind mine and Rosi Golan singing to me from my small computer speakers, the best part being that I am alone, I do wish one of the 3 "he's in this entry were next to me.

Fuck boring. A warm body is nicer then nobody.

At least it was.

It is only now that I realize the moaning was just Stuart snoring. Guess my next door neighbor is alone tonight too.

x, Red Out Loud

ps Stuart is my dog.

the one that got away

He is on line now. I see him there, on my little g chat list. Just sitting there. A name. with no capital letters. He should IM me, I mean he did promise me dinner this week, drinks?

We never really broke up, not face to face, not in any important way. I guess that is about as good as he felt about it. Good enough to let me push him to dump me over the phone. It was a shame really. We had great chemistry. He was the perfect size. In every way. Yes, he was even of the right faith.

Not that he had any of it.

I don't know. Maybe I came on too strong. I am trying a new game. I am going to try to deal with the men I like the way I deal with the men I don't like. I am going to just cut off. I am not going to ask for anything from anyone and see what happens.

How does that work out? I mean people really want what they can't have. So some ladies learn to play games at a young age. "I will NOT show you I like you!" That is the mantra. It works! I watched my roomie Lindsay do it many times...

She is married.

All I have to say about that.

I don't know, I can't play games. I never win.

I miss the one that got away, we could have worked, had he given it a chance. I am sure we could have.

Shame.

Ok he signed off. Done distracting myself.

--Red Out Loud

DVR

I think I DVR tv shows and watch them, just to feel like I am getting something done.

double life

It's like I live a double life. I fell in like in Nashville, with half Jew and came home and let the other half of the Jew sit by my side on Saturday night. I pretended he never hurt me, I pretended we could still love, live, lie. Lay not lie. Correction.

What makes me comfortable enough to let him in. Not all the way, but in.

Addiction.

It's no joke.

He lied. He lied well. Well enough to make me feel like I made him do it.

Live the double life.

Sleep with her and then me and then her again.

Then tell me he loves me, over and over.

And over.

When we met, I knew he was wrong, he was English, he was from the other side, he was not Jewish, or he was only accidentally Jewish. J.E.W.I.S.H. J.E.S.U.S.

I wonder how many times a day I say Jewish.

The high holidays came and went and I sat in Synagogue wondering why I still let HIM dominate. Him= God, Dean, Love, Need, Attention.

What is so wrong with being left alone. Being ALONE. Godless, loveless, sexless, friendless?

Ok, maybe not friendless....

I fasted. I did not get hungry at all. I did not think about my sins of the year prior, I know I will just commit them again, in one version or another. I did think it feels better to me not to eat then to eat. Which is sick.

My friend Katie died of complications with Anorexia this year. I wonder why she wanted to disappear.

And I am sort of jealous she did.

At least it was her choice.

I miss myself sometimes. Where did I go? I want to sing Barbra Streisand songs in Jamaica at the Piano Bar at the Beaches resort again, with a piano player named Ultimate. Like I did when I was 15. I was happy then.

THOSE were the days.

That was me.

That is another story.

I am not that girl anymore. I am a new version of me, living my double life. Who I wanted to be and I who I am.

Shalom Y'all

Went to Nashville. Came back. New memories in tow. New love in the back of my mind. Love. Whatever that is. A jewish father, A catholic mother. Still not good enough. But just my luck. And still the sinking feeling that none of it really matters, but still holding out. For what?

Went to synagogue while in Nashville. Watched him play music for the masses as they iterated words they did not know the meaning of. Everybody needs a place to stand, to belong, to play, to fit in.

So we found god.

And now we are stuck here.

I look for god in man. I look to place faith in a human being.

It is easier to find god.

Shalom, y'all.

Stay

I am always so wordy in this blog. I am tired of being wordy. It is boring. I am sitting here on my bed in my 1 bedroom apartment in the east village writing. about myself, what i want, what i wished for, what i wish for, what i have and what i don't have.

I HAVE a dog.
He is NOT mine.

I HAVE an apartment.
It's rented. NOT mine.

I HAVE a headache.
Too much booze, will be gone by tomorrow.

I HAVE Ray Lamontagne playing on my Itunes.
It keeps disappearing everytime I restart my computer.

I HAVE a voice.
Not the one I had last year.

Nothing is permanent.

I would LOVE to find something permanent.

Right now my plan is to sit here on my bed and wait for something permanent to find me.