double life

It's like I live a double life. I fell in like in Nashville, with half Jew and came home and let the other half of the Jew sit by my side on Saturday night. I pretended he never hurt me, I pretended we could still love, live, lie. Lay not lie. Correction.

What makes me comfortable enough to let him in. Not all the way, but in.

Addiction.

It's no joke.

He lied. He lied well. Well enough to make me feel like I made him do it.

Live the double life.

Sleep with her and then me and then her again.

Then tell me he loves me, over and over.

And over.

When we met, I knew he was wrong, he was English, he was from the other side, he was not Jewish, or he was only accidentally Jewish. J.E.W.I.S.H. J.E.S.U.S.

I wonder how many times a day I say Jewish.

The high holidays came and went and I sat in Synagogue wondering why I still let HIM dominate. Him= God, Dean, Love, Need, Attention.

What is so wrong with being left alone. Being ALONE. Godless, loveless, sexless, friendless?

Ok, maybe not friendless....

I fasted. I did not get hungry at all. I did not think about my sins of the year prior, I know I will just commit them again, in one version or another. I did think it feels better to me not to eat then to eat. Which is sick.

My friend Katie died of complications with Anorexia this year. I wonder why she wanted to disappear.

And I am sort of jealous she did.

At least it was her choice.

I miss myself sometimes. Where did I go? I want to sing Barbra Streisand songs in Jamaica at the Piano Bar at the Beaches resort again, with a piano player named Ultimate. Like I did when I was 15. I was happy then.

THOSE were the days.

That was me.

That is another story.

I am not that girl anymore. I am a new version of me, living my double life. Who I wanted to be and I who I am.