Why do hearts even have to break at all? And why is the opposite of love, hate? How do love and hate always manage to meet each other at the border and then make the transfer?
Tonight I saw Dean and it was the first moment after a hard break up where you suddenly forget who that person was to you at one point. Past love, past hatred all the way to indifference. Not Utter indifference, but the first hint of it. Our existences just did not influence each other. Someone who once held me and who I held back.
For the most part we fought, I won't deny that, but we held on for a year. Were we just being selfish? Were we just up for the challenge, or did we love each other? What is love if it can end in such a spiteful way? Addiction I suppose. Ease with one another. Reluctance to give up. Narcissism at its height.
The thing is there is no end in sight for me now. I just don't even see the possibility that I will ever settle down. Have never had such bad luck with finding a connection then I am having now and also never been so obsessed with it, which I am sure is the problem.
I just really don't have much to give and that means there will be little for someone to take. So I just feel like there is no point. And one would think that would feel like a relief, yet trying NOT to get involved with people is at the forefront of my mind.
WTF? I just want a break from life.
In other news, cute, new neighbor, just killed a big, ugly bug for me. I think I'm in love.
Thank you, Andrew....
xx, Red Out Loud
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