Day 5

So here I am day 5, episode 32 of Weeds, Nancy is embezzling money from a fake city to buy and sell weed to take care of her kids and Celia has to take care of her abhorred injured ex husband. No one gets a break in the this show, in most shows I find that no one really ever catches a break, how could they? If people caught a break, there would be no show.....

I suppose like life, if I caught a break, my life would be smooth sailing but it would probably be boring. So here I am in my millionth dilemma, not a break in site...and I can't even talk about it! Now don't read this entry as bitter, I am not bitter, I appreciate the challenges I face. The big ones like: lose a lover, learn about yourself. Lose an audition, there is something better around the corner. Watch others succeed around you, don't be jealous, just work harder. Love and success are hard to come by, so there are bound to be bumps in the road. You learn. You work. You progress. That is great. All good and well.

I never thought one of my dilemmas would include losing what came easiest to me, my voice, probably the most instinctual move your body can make. Speak, answer when spoken to, respond, emote and for me and other lucky people, sing. It's one of those many, well, bodily functions, that most people take for granted. You do bad things to it, you do good things to it, you pay no attention to it at all, but still you assume it will be there regardless.

And that is how I treated my voice. I never ignored it. I loved it. But I would not say I treated it as my most prized possession, per se. I mean I can't count the drunken smoke filled nights I spent trudging all over my poor cords, mostly after I found out about my first injury. But it was all in the name of fun, right? And before my injury, I can't tell you how many times I sang my ass off, for so long, that the redness in my cords seeped through to the skin on my neck. But it was all for the love of the craft. Right? If I hit that high note 67 times instead of 65 I felt myself a winner! Glorious feeling to sing, to let out notes that when translated into emotion released the deepest parts of my worried soul. And even in the depths of that very soul I never thought I would ruin this part of myself, maybe for good even.

And I was not naive, I'd seen friends go through it. It is not that unusual that singers experience vocal problems, that singers undergo therapy or other types of treatment to fix an injured instrument. But I was just never going to be one of those people. It's funny as I write this I realize I must sound like one of those ads for protected sex, or something, where you see a young pregnant teenager explaining that she'd never thought it would be her, or some poor young man explaining he never thought he's be the one to end up with Herpes, or, worse, HIV.

Ok- so my bump in the road, not THAT big. But in a way, I relate to those folks. I never thought it would be me. And if you ask anyone else, they'd agree. Deena Goodman, lose her voice? Deena Goodman make it through 7 days (I realize I am only on day 5, but I intend to make it through) without voice use at all??

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I am here to say, it can happen to you, it can happen to anyone, and it happened to me.

This would sound cliche if it was not a reality, but it is. I am sitting here in Day 5 with my computer on my lap itching to just HUMMM a note but not being able to and being forced to in turn wonder if I ever will be able to. I have not heard my voice for 6 days, minus a slip up. I won't lie. As you know I accidentally spoke one word being woken up from a nap, but still. It was not loud enough, or long enough to hear. And all can think about is how do I sound, how will I sound, how hard will it be to speak again, how different will my voice sound and will I be able to sing?

Will I be able to sing? Will I be able to sing?

A question I never thought I would ask out loud. A road block I never thought I'd face. A break I never thought I'd hope for.

x Red Out Loud