Even Still, Even Now

Dear Dean,

Nicole thinks we should make a movie about our lives. She thinks we should make it even dirtier then our lives are. He said, she said, he fucked, she fucked, they fucked. Everyone fucked....over. She and I laugh about it, but its really not that funny.

We e mailed today. I mustered it up. I asked you how you were. I pretend not to care, but I do. You write back and the humour punches through and I am drawn in, even just the tiniest bit. And the conversation persists, even via e mail. I can tell you miss me too. We live with hatred on our faces and hearts off our sleeves for now, but I know deep down you care, I care.

And I can't wrap my head around how spiteful we both are. Spiteful is your word. I stole it.

When your mother came, it just did not feel right to spend all that time with her. So I ditched. I felt like fucking you over, cause you fucked me over. And I could not see past it. So I hurt you. I guess deep down I might have known what I was doing, no matter how much chatter I can do to talk myself out of it. I did not want to come through for you. You didn't come through for me and you turn at the switch of a light on the people you love most. So I tried it.

I still feel badly. She may have made you who you are, but she did not deserve to be played by default.

Oh well. It certainly cut you off didn't it. And then with one line, "how are you?" The can is opened, the curtain falls.

I never though my greatest effort would be put on pushing you away.

I wish I could trace our end back to the beginning and figure out where we lost our footing. Are you just the sociopath I have turned you into in my mind? Or is it normal? Are we just both at fault? Both just bad communicators who could not fight through the stubborness? I guess I will never know.

I do wonder when I will stop wondering.

It happened again. I dreamt about you while I was sleeping next to Andrew two nights ago. I mean, he does live as the perfect distraction, but I still dream about you when I am sleeping.

Not good dreams, don't get me wrong. But you are there. Even when I close my eyes.

Even Still, Even Now.

xx
D