Have Faith

and it may very well be tonight that Dean broke up with me. Even though it was three weeks ago yesterday that he made the fateful decision. We have continued to see each other and so in a way the last three weeks don't count. Every couple of days we would end up together and two days later we'd look at each other in bed at his apartment and say "what are we doing?" Two days without each other pass and we say to each other on the phone "what are we doing?" and tonight after lots of two day intervals we said to each other "what ARE WE REALLY DOING HERE?" and he decided that had to draw the line (though I did point out he had tried to draw the line weeks ago).

So I suppose this is it, or it for now, or it until he comes around or I get on with it. It's not as though I didn't know this would happen, I mean it is every day that I live a self fulfilling prophecy that all fails and nothing lasts forever. That is why I date men I can't end up with and talk about a career in music that I'd die for but don't actively pursue, instead putting my energy into more tangible jobs-slash-relationships. I am more comfortable with failure then I am with success. That is what some people tell me. About me. You know, because other people love to tell me about me.

I'm Jewish and though this blog began as an ode to my voice and then a recount of my inability to speak for a time, I probably should say that the truth is, despite my attributing my overall human existence to my voice and to song, really underlying it all is my Jewish identity. I am not saying it is a strong or weak identity, in fact its in constant flux and for the most part fights with itself on a daily basis, but whether i'm up one or down one in the god department (or religion department I should say, because who knows if god as anything to do with religion), the damn thing is always present. My identity that is, my JEWISH identity, that is.

It's not really that I was brought up by two devoted conservative Jewish parents and its not that I diligently attended Jewish Day school and then Yeshiva for elementary school and then high school respectively and it is probably not the predominantly Jewish town I live in (New York City AND Teaneck), not the innumerable amount of Jewish friends I have that solidify my identity as a Jew. It's not even the regularly family attended high holiday meals and synagogue services that really seal the deal for me.

No.

It is the fact that my grandfather and my grandmother, my mothers parents, two successful Jewish Educators are from Czecheslovakia and Romania, respectively and they are each survivors of the Holocaust.

I'd say that is what hits the nail into the coffin of my Jewish identity. There is no escaping it now. Once a family member survives atrocity in the name of their religion there offspring are committed. No other option. And so from a young age I was fascinated by the event, read books about it at 8 years old, dreamt about it froma young age, as though it was my own experience and I asked about it all of the time. Any open project in school I made about the Holocaust.

I also promised myself from a young age that if my grandfather survived auschwitz only to face his religion head on and win, deciding to live his life with religous conviction, depsite the persecution he (and my grandmother) endured, that I would perpetuate the same way. I would marry someone Jewish, teach my children and make sure they taught theirs. That was the only answer and it wouldn't be that hard. I'm around Jews day in and day out, I should fall in love with one of these dudes. Right?

Wrong.

Not as easy as planned and if you think that Dean is my first dabble in difference you would be wrong. Yes, I have learned my lesson before dating men who were not Jewish, who promised to lear, to change, to do anything for me and I naively accepted such weak attempts at romatic gestures, I believed them. Then just when I thought I'd finally given up on the goy toy, romeo and juliet potential love affair, I met Dean.

Complicated, though isn't everything?

Dean is Jewish, TECHNICALLY. What does technically mean? For most Jews Matrilineal descent determines your Jew status. NOT your Jewish identity, that is learned, but your Jew Status. And that is age old....if mom was a jew, if mom's mom was a jew, well then YOU are a jew.

Hitler of course saw it otherwise, if you had an ounce of Jew in you, you were Jewish, you were impure. But in religous terms its mom that is the deciding facotr, whether you like it or not, whether you call yoruself Jewish or not, law states, jewish law that is, that if your mom was a jew by birth. SO ARE YOU.

That is Dean. Actually Dean is the mother's mother's jewish example, a stretch by all means, but true. He knew nothing of it and wanted nothing to do with it.

Until I told him there was no way were dating unless Judaism could be a part of his life.

I did not say worship one god all day every day, I just meant Judaism, practices, language, cultrue had to be a part of his every day life and subsequently our every day lives. Once we had kids. And he was confused by the whole thing. I don't blame him.

So....yawn....yawn....eyes closing.....1:45 am....

I will write the rest tomorrow.......

xred out loud