Depressed.

I am preparing for my trip to LA and for my show on Wednesday, by preparing I mean, barely getting anything done at all. In fact right now, instead of sifting through clothing trying to pick out some semblence of an few outfits that might allow me to appear a little less New York for my two week LA stint, I am watching Vh1 debate whether Ashlee or Jessica Simpson are better then then other.

When did either one of them become worth anybody's time?

I remember seeing Jessica Simpson play her radio promotion showcase at the Bottom Line when I was 18 years old. I was about to start school at new York University full of dreams of hitting New York running. I couldnt believe I was surrounded by all of these "executives." I went with a family friend who worked in the business and I thought I was so old and mature and it is only now, at this point in my life (mid twenties) that I can see just how young a girl is and probably acts at 18,19,20. Either way, this was one of my first experiences spending any time on any side of this crazy business of music. And I thought Jessica Simpson was just fabulous and gorgeous. Again, I knew very little, remember, I was only 18. Regardless, it solidified my presence on earth. It was what I was meant to do...It is what I am meant to do, I mean on every level I should be able to surpass a woman who is as talentless and brainless and in, my opinion, heartless as Jessica Simpson. Harsh, I know. And since then I have faced lots of "no's," lots of rejection and lots of defeat. But I have learned a hell of a lot and for some reason I am absolutely not ready to give up, even though now at this point, it seems that everything stands against me. The business is hard, but when your instrument fails on you then its almost as though you have nothing left.

Needless to say, wondering if you are ever going to sing again is far different then wondering if you will ever make it as an artist and here I am left with both. So with both questions in mind I find it hard to motivate to get ready for my big west coast trip, let alone my show on wednesday here in New York, let alone to get upstairs and even go to bed.

I guess some might call this a slight depression and maybe it is, then again it may be the steroids I am souped up on to get through these next few shows....who knows. All I know is I want out. Hopefully I will have all of this worked out soon, though this would entails scheduling my surgery, which would entail working out how I am going to pay for all of this, which is a story all its own and for another time.

Right now the debate over whether Kate Bosworth or Nicole Richie have bonier rib cages is far too enthralling for me.

x
Red Out Loud