I am having a very hard time concentrating today. I am not sure that Friday should even exist as a day wherein which we should be expected to concentrate. But then I wonder if Thursday would take Friday's place.

The speakers on my computer have been broken since December. And for some reason it has not been a top priority of mine to get them fixed. My computer has no more memory on it, so I have never been able to sync my iphone to my computer and that means my iphone does not have any music on it. I got my iphone in December. Since December, essentially, I have been relegated to Pandora. On my computer at work and on my iphone. I have not listened to the music that makes me happy since December. I work in music. Music is supposedly my passion.

Supposedly.

But here I am again, watching my passion for something slowly wane. And I think it really is indicative of the fact that it is time for a change in my life.

Change has always scared me. Taking care of myself has scared me a bit too. I like to glide along, uninterrupted. My lifestyle indicates that I appreciate challenge and some adventure, but the truth is I have not moved much in my life.

Or maybe I have and not paid attention. That is my fear, that I have spent my formative years, my adult formative years, that is, not really paying much attention to my changes, to my growth and to the process. And here I am at the end of this era. I have had many experiences but not much to show for it, except for lists of outlandish experiences. Sometimes my friends tell me my life is like a movie, that they wish they would take a minute to write it all down. Mostly because I am impulsive, I do what I want when I want to do it without thinking of much consequence, at least within the confines of the tri state area.

I know a million people, I am popular, people know who I am when I walk into a room. People think I can help them, they think I am important. I must have succeeded in a way then. But is it really what is important? And why do I always want to run away from what ever it is I have found.

Like now.

I am ready to change again, but this time for good. I am going to go back to school. I want to be a Doctor now. I want to be a psychologist. And when I make the move, I make it for good. It is not a profession you can do and try and do everything else you want to do at the same time. The pattern I have created for myself up until now. It is also something you don't just up and walk away from.

Do I get upset about it? Leaving part of me behind? Does this change who I am inherently. I know, intellectually, that the answer is, no. It does not. But it feels a bit like it will. Like I am graduating from a period of my life. Should that be shocking? That is how we spend the early part of our lives, graduating from one era to the next. I see people from eras gone by and can not remember their names. I am also infamous for carrying eras over into the new ones. Will I do this this time around? Or will I walk around in 6 years forgetting the names of people who were integral in a moment of my life.

I mean that is what it is. A moment. Of my life. You have one life full of lots of moments, experiences, coincidences and because I continue to live it on my own, I can really jump in and out of different ones.

My father feels bad for me when I tell people that I used to be a singer. USED to be, I say, now I am something else. Maybe he is right to writhe when I say that. Maybe it is wrong to suggest that one moment can not carry into the next. I will always feel like I never really succeeded though. Like I did not achieve what it is I thought about when I was a little girl, fingers and toes crossed, eyes pinched shut dreaming, daytime and night time. That was one part of me I did not think would have its era, opening and closing. That should have lasted forever. But it didn't, just like nothing else does.

Will love be the same for me. Just eras running into one another, nothing long lasting? Nothing consistent?

I don't know. I can not predict it. I don't even know what will happen to me 5 minutes from now. But I do know no matter what in 5 minutes I won't be exactly the same as I am right now, so I don't know why change really stares me in the face,, full of fear.