Never gonna give you up

It is odd as women how we put the angst we have towards our exes on the new women they date. Like somehow it is the new girls fault that the ex boyfriend is such an asshole. In my case, I feel this to the extreme, because, I feel everything to the extreme.

But in my case, I am right, because, I am always right.

Ok, enough of that.

Dean was an inherently bad person, he is an inherently bad person, but I continued to go back and forth, probably because it kept my otherwise boring life, unboring. I think a lot of people do that, stick with the people they are dating because loneliness is just sheer boredom. I know this, because I am living this way now. I am bored. And perhaps that is why I fill my empty thought space with mean thoughts about Dean's new girlfriend Cara (who he already cheated on with me 4 weeks ago, but I suppose that is non essential).

Instead of living in disbelief that Dean could be such an asshole to keep dating this chick after trying desperately to get back together with me, sending me 25 e mails straight of pictures of us together when we were happy, telling me that this Cara dirt bag slut (SEE THERE IS THE ANGST) was boring and bad in bed, who knows why I listened to that, instead of hating Dean for that I live in disbelief that he has chosen this girl. For some reason I just hate her.

She is not a bad person, but she is young, and she has a bad nose job, apparently 3 times over, her hair is pixie short, none of these qualities make a bad person, of course, I can be reasonable, but its the way she walks into a room with him, like she won some kind of prize. The way she flirts, friendly flirts, but flirts, with every man in the room and brings along only uglier then her so she can feel better about herself. Anyway, I hate her. She also INSISTS on engaging me in one way or another and I ignore her, my new philosophy is to ignore people I do not want to talk to. No more fake! Then instead of taking the hint, that I find her abhorrent, she tries to talk to me, without fail and the other day she tapped my shoulder to get my attention. EWW.

I almost turned around and looked at her and said, please refrain from touching me, you have a really bad nose job and your boyfriend has already cheated on you with me only to return to you when I rejected his advances to try and get back together.

Instead I just said "oh, hi, how are you." And turned around. I was with two friends from London who were visiting and thought it the polite way to be.

Then I proceeded to chat with Dean in front of her to show her who was boss here. And the thing of it is, that I do not find him attractive, I am not in love with him, I am just still so angry at him and making her uncomfortable made him uncomfortable and it made me really, really happy!

It is a little sick. The thing of it is, that I actually just hate her because she is still in the dark about Dean. She still thinks he is good. She still hears his words and takes them as truth. She gets to think he is just the Cat's Pajamas. Which he is not.

Living in the dark, even living in denial is more comforting then admitting reality or being faced with reality head on. I don't know why I can't give it up though. Why do I care? Why do I keep holding on?

It ignites the fiercest anger in me and the fiercest resent. Two of my least favorite feelings.