The O of the XOXO

I have this strange ability to love the person I am with in the moment I am with them. And then the moment they are gone, the connection is gone and I can find another moment with another person just as easily. But I could swear in those moments, the feelings are real. And I mean, this is actually impossible, because many of those moments, seeing as I have experienced many, many moments, are with people I really hardly share words with. Perhaps its just my mistaking sexual intimacy with something emotional.

This guy I barely know slept over on Friday night. We have shared maybe 10 sentences tops between one another, but he is very hot and somehow his quiet demeanor extends a sense of intimacy to those he actually pays attention to. He is a drummer. Go figure. I hardly know anything about him, all I know is there is an intensity to him and after a bunch of grey goose on the rocks/splash sodas/two limes I suppose I felt comfortable eough exploring that. So we drank. We did not talk much, he followed me home to meet my dog and then he got in my bed and slept over. Body to body, feet to feet. And he wrapped his arms around me. A more intimate action then perhaps putting himself inside of me. I mean, wrapped arms around a body indicate protection, knowing, familiarity, there is no orgasm at the end, its literally an innately comforting and close feeling. So there we were, holding one another. No sex, just closeness. He stayed the morning as well. There was some fumbling, nothing major, just a body next to a body. Heating up my bed, making me feel warm.

And then he left. Hardly a goodbye and hardly a regret.

And it worked. My stress subsided just for a moment, because I got my fill. But I was held again later that day by Andrew, my neighbor/lover/locksmith/bug killer. And we have more to share, of course, we have been dancing in circles for 5 months now, but still, when it comes down to it, we hold each other. And that is it.

So my real question lies in the odd sense that people, in this city, have an impossible time figuring out how to hold one another in the figurative sense. We can jump from bed to bed feeling the intimacy of an embrace, however, we lack consistency and emotional outpour. It all lies in this open ended body locking, warm and gushy, temporary embrace.

I wonder if I was cuddled too much as a baby, or something.

Today, I walked Charlotte past her best buds Nico and Titan. Titan jumped on his hind legs to embrace me and Charlotte quickly nipped him away. I suppose not EVERY being is ok sharing his or her embrace-er. If anyone should want me all to themselves it should at least be my puppy.