I am probably lying to you

Today I hailed a cab and as I hopped in I noticed a man walking down Avenue A with a t shirt on (yes, it was 20 degrees today) that read "I'm Probably Lying to You." Fateful spotting really.

Last night, date two, 38 year old, israeli fashion designer, drummer, guitar player extraordinaire. My most dangerous territory, as far as dating goes. He hails from the NYC music scene, the scene I have been trying to avoid. He knows them all and they have all let him that they know me.

Rumors spread like wildfire amongst people who don't seem to have other, more inspiring pursuits, or perhaps rumors just spread like wildfire period. People love to talk. I am one of them. Sometimes, hell, I am the president of them! And so, Gil and I have known each other for some time. I won't pretend I ever saw him like that. He is significantly older, he makes a very funny face when he plays the drums and he is Israeli. And as a Jewish girl, insisting on marrying a Jewish guy, I have a strange aversion to dating Israeli men. Perhaps its that they are too forward for even me.

In any case, he showed up two weeks ago to the Margarita club, the big party where Dean and I made our first treads towards actual friendship. despite our loving look, my drunken "I need you text messages" and so on.He is lovely, he is aggressive, he is vocal an he is forward, everything about a man I generally like. It should work. it just should, in spite of and despite the age difference.

He reads me. We drink margaritas, end up at max fish, drink more, end up at the hummus place (yes thats what its called), eat dinner, make out like we know each other and talk about things of great importance to me. A few drinks and my eyes deepen, my soul widens and I let loose. He listened and told me...

I needed to leard how to receive.


And not in a sex way...

In the sense that I needed to let others do things for me.

How could this man see this in me. He told me he has been watching me for a long time. That he asked about me always, that he found me quite sexy and that others had things to say about me, positive or negative.

It felt good to know him. It felt good to hear him, but I just did not believe him. And all of my trust issues just laid there at the surface of whatever it was we were. Like he was lying to me.

Of course, a day later I find out that Nicole and Dean have shared some, um, intimate time together....and my trust in general is curbed. For anything at all....

I ignore his phone calls, his e mails, his IMs, he knows Nicole and I want nothing to do with that, he wonders why

Probably because the time we shared as little time but as intimate as it felt, was all a lie, like everything else. I don't think about him when I'm not in front of him.

Or maybe I do, and I don't want to. Maybe the thought of liking someone who's first dining choice is the Chumus Place is scary, because that means we share something, a background we can perpetuate, but that is also so different. It is funny as an American Jew, you do not automatically think you will date, end up with, fall in love with, a sabra Israeli and yet it works. For me. In the sense that I want to feel like I made a change in choosing the man I love, but still stay the same, close to home.

In a way he is the best of both worlds. So maybe lying to him is easier. Maybe the shirt this man on ave a wore was a way of saying, "I'm lying to you, its easier that way- eh? No one gets hurt."

I think I kind of want to hurt again, the kind of hurt that gets fixed with ecstasy by the same person who hurt you, because then, that hurt, is really just mistaken vulnerability and isn't that what we seek in the end anyway?