Touch Me.

I wonder how many people's skin has touched mine. When you are born, right from the birth canal, you are caught, rubber glove to skin and then your mother holds you, skin to skin and the barrier is broken. You've been touched. Then for the rest of your life it is your prerogative to decide who, when, why someone touches you. Or is it? And when it stops being your prerogative does the novelty of touch just die?

There are all kinds of touch, the kind that feels comfortable, the kind that feels exciting, the kind that hurts, the kind that is dangerous.

I wonder what kind of touch has changed me more.

Lost and Lost again.

Lee thinks I should make a new record. He says I am better then all the other girls singing written songs out there. I am trying to hear him, but it bounces of my eardrum right back to him. Like a light my passion turned off. Sometimes I close my eyes real tight and inside the blackness I see the yellow walls of my childhood bedroom and I hear the karaoke stereo blaring and my stomach drops the way it did when I would sing the high notes, the low notes and the notes in between. My cheekbones tingle a little. And as if my mind reverts its not the sound that I hear but the dreams I remember having. The restless nights of sleep with my kicky legs in action thinking to myself, when will it be my turn? I gotta get out of here.

Then I lost my voice and did not try too hard to get it back. So it's gone. TTYL.

Today my friend told me that her friend had to have her uterus removed. And selfishly, the first thing I thought about was what I would say if I was her friend. And I could just picture myself looking up and saying, "I am losing my womanhood and am not even able to sing about it."

Loss is uncontrolled and that is what makes it so aggressively painful.

No Way Jose

You helped to take away the innocence of a love I lost and I am supposed to rejoice in the new love you found.

I don't think so.

A Nightmare

With the surface of the water far above my head and the strength of the tide getting stronger, I pull and grasp, but to no avail. The weighted rope tied to my ankle gets heavier and it pulls me down. My dress flows aimlessly around me and bits are lit by the sun that peaks through the glass top of this enclosed sea. I can't reach it, though. I keep pushing and pulling and reaching and screaming silently, to no avail. Until my hands can't reach any more, they drop to my sides and I float aimlessly. Wishing. He would just let me go.

Ouch

My stomach hurts again. But I am ignoring it. It's the damn wings of those bloody butterflies. Flapping. Smacking my stomach, the tips of my toes, the top of my head. Clouding my vision, cramping my brain, ringing my ears. I can't think.
So I'll slap my hands together and pray. Butterfly wings please wrap yourselves around and form the cocoon from whence you came, open up and let the caterpillar slink away quietly. Go backwards in time. I am afraid if I move forward you will all just flutter until you fly away and I don't think my body could take another departure.

Is there a problem with....

Chatting on line with your new beau while your ex beau sends you e mail after e mail of pictures of the two of you from days gone by?

There must be some sort of problem with this...

What is he thinking?!

Either of them....

It's not always about you

Tali worries that Maya doesn't ask how she is doing, Maya worries Tali does not ask why she is not doing. Both of them wonder the same selfish thing about each other. Tali flies high, she has met a man, and of course, she lifts. Because it is all about what happens TO you that lifts you, not what happens inside of you, or around you that makes you happy, but what happens to you and oh, so often, it has to do with a man.

Why is that? Why do they carry this power.

Not just men. Career, success, if you have it you are defined, if you don't you are not. No one just sits still and sees themselves from the inside out. Outside factors always make a person who they are.

Maybe that is the problem. If we were ultimately defined by what we thought of ourselves and not what everyone around us though, man, boss, fan, we would all be giving each other what we really want and need.