DVR

I think I DVR tv shows and watch them, just to feel like I am getting something done.

double life

It's like I live a double life. I fell in like in Nashville, with half Jew and came home and let the other half of the Jew sit by my side on Saturday night. I pretended he never hurt me, I pretended we could still love, live, lie. Lay not lie. Correction.

What makes me comfortable enough to let him in. Not all the way, but in.

Addiction.

It's no joke.

He lied. He lied well. Well enough to make me feel like I made him do it.

Live the double life.

Sleep with her and then me and then her again.

Then tell me he loves me, over and over.

And over.

When we met, I knew he was wrong, he was English, he was from the other side, he was not Jewish, or he was only accidentally Jewish. J.E.W.I.S.H. J.E.S.U.S.

I wonder how many times a day I say Jewish.

The high holidays came and went and I sat in Synagogue wondering why I still let HIM dominate. Him= God, Dean, Love, Need, Attention.

What is so wrong with being left alone. Being ALONE. Godless, loveless, sexless, friendless?

Ok, maybe not friendless....

I fasted. I did not get hungry at all. I did not think about my sins of the year prior, I know I will just commit them again, in one version or another. I did think it feels better to me not to eat then to eat. Which is sick.

My friend Katie died of complications with Anorexia this year. I wonder why she wanted to disappear.

And I am sort of jealous she did.

At least it was her choice.

I miss myself sometimes. Where did I go? I want to sing Barbra Streisand songs in Jamaica at the Piano Bar at the Beaches resort again, with a piano player named Ultimate. Like I did when I was 15. I was happy then.

THOSE were the days.

That was me.

That is another story.

I am not that girl anymore. I am a new version of me, living my double life. Who I wanted to be and I who I am.

Shalom Y'all

Went to Nashville. Came back. New memories in tow. New love in the back of my mind. Love. Whatever that is. A jewish father, A catholic mother. Still not good enough. But just my luck. And still the sinking feeling that none of it really matters, but still holding out. For what?

Went to synagogue while in Nashville. Watched him play music for the masses as they iterated words they did not know the meaning of. Everybody needs a place to stand, to belong, to play, to fit in.

So we found god.

And now we are stuck here.

I look for god in man. I look to place faith in a human being.

It is easier to find god.

Shalom, y'all.

Stay

I am always so wordy in this blog. I am tired of being wordy. It is boring. I am sitting here on my bed in my 1 bedroom apartment in the east village writing. about myself, what i want, what i wished for, what i wish for, what i have and what i don't have.

I HAVE a dog.
He is NOT mine.

I HAVE an apartment.
It's rented. NOT mine.

I HAVE a headache.
Too much booze, will be gone by tomorrow.

I HAVE Ray Lamontagne playing on my Itunes.
It keeps disappearing everytime I restart my computer.

I HAVE a voice.
Not the one I had last year.

Nothing is permanent.

I would LOVE to find something permanent.

Right now my plan is to sit here on my bed and wait for something permanent to find me.

when somebody leaves

...it's easy to think that it might be you.

--amber rubarth www.myspace.com/amberrubarth

hi!

Hi! Forever ago was the last I posted....and I am back. I am back. I am back. And I am not going to try and fill in the blanks here, let's start from scratch.

First off. Dean. Out of the picture. After all the religious back and forth, a nasty break up and the discovery that the last two months of our relationship had been spent in another woman's bed, I gave up. We parted ways on Rebel Spirit (which for the record, has become a GREAT success, sponsorship, national exposure, etc.) and have somehow managed good terms after months of spiteful hatred.

So.

I am single. Single and STILL Jewish ;) Still in love with music. Still. Me.

I read back over a few entries, about dean and I. How harsh, how strong I was with him. Not sure it was all a great thing to be that way. Not sure why I felt so comfortable trying to change someone. He did want it, too. Don't get me wrong. But I do see how it sent him running. To another. Girl. Younger. And on Gossip Girl.

GO FIGURE.

And no, I am not bitter. Because he writes me letters every day asking for me back. And while deep down I wish i could, yet again, jump in, I know its sealed and wrong.

And PLUS.

I've moved on ;)

xRed Out Loud

almost 3 months later.....

Lord. I don't even know the last time I wrote to you all or to myself or to anyone for that matter. It has been a long time and I can not even remember the last item I ranted about. But man, I have missed it. I have missed you. I have missed me a bit.

My, my. What has happened. I have changed. My voice has returned after hard months of therapy and trying to get life back before my body was ready. It is strange when your b ody just cuts out on you and literally tells you to STOP DOING WHAT YOU ARE DOING.

My voice came back, edgy and stringy and strange. It was quiet, without power, people had to say, "what?" when I said something. That is RARE when you are Deena Goodman. RARE. It was painful, not physically, but emotionally. No control over a bodily function as necessary as speaking.

I got stronger, weaker, stronger. Got confident, went out, talked in loud rooms, sang here and there, regretted it, got tired, got sick and got healthy. I got my voice back.

I have it. It is in there. It is different and so am I.

To be continued.

ps Dean got me roses today- his first flower purchase ever. wow.