OMG!!

Oh. My. God.

I can not believe that I have not written for so many days! I am a horrible tease! I write and write and write when I can do nothing but and now that I can speak I have forgotten about all things important! :) So now at 5:32 am on Thursday October 25th I am here!

How far back shall I take you?

On October 18th I arrived at Dr. Woo's office for my post op check up and what would be my first voice therapy session and what would be the first time I heard my voice. It was 6 days post op- meaning I did not have to wait the full 7 days, but I still think it is pretty huge that I lasted even 6 days!!! If you know me or can tell by how long my entries are, you know I have many words and I am not quiet about it.

But it was a lovely week (6 days) and truthfully it was so lovely that it got kind of addictive and between you and I, I was not that excited to begin speaking again.

I know- that sounds crazy! This is not to say I was not excited to begin my road towards singing again. THAT I was excited for....but speaking. For 6 days I did not have to answer to anyone and I mean that literally. I wrote things down of course, when I needed something or wanted to partake in a conversation, but I had this fortunate excuse when I did not want to participate, for why I couldn't. And as I had described in earlier passages it it got me out of arguments that would have ultimately escalated and that was a plus but it also prevented me from talking about how I felt about what I was going through and forced me to go through it alone, which I did not mind. I did not even want visitors, "no fun to have a visitor when you can't chat, I'd much rather be alone," I would think to myself. And I did, I thought to myself, I asked my self tons of questions and when my psycho therapist mother would ask me the dreaded question- how are you today? Is this hard for you? Are you upset? (ok that was 3 questions) I would not have to answer!

And the truth was, I wasn't upset by it! I enjoyed the silence. I never enjoyed silence before because I don't think i gave it a chance to seep in and work it magic. But there I was with only me to talk to (and of course you) (and of course my buddy list, my g chat list and e mail) (But still)!

I talked to myself about everything but mostly I thought about my relationships. My friends, my family, my boyfriend and I made realizations. I rely on my relationships to feed me, but do I feed them? And while I am so busy letting my relationships feed me, do I ever feed myself? And the answer was no, I love the attention I get from all of my relationships, I love being paid attention to it and I think being alone in the past made me hunger for that. Attention and busyness. Being ALONE meant being lonely. But my 6 day silence taught me otherwise. I could be alone, chat with myself and feel quite satisfied.

And now that I can speak again, I am excited to speak to the people I love, but I have not jumped back in and not just because my doc told me not to, but because I sort of enjoy space. And between you and I, I think it's making the people I love like me back a lot more, some people have even claimed to miss me!

I miss you too! Maybe that is a good thing!

xRed Out Loud

'Til Death Do Us Part

Why do you think people choose to hurt each other and themselves instead of working hard to remain happy. It seems that, at least this generation of men and women, have decided the easier way out is to hurt and get over it then to commit, work hard and accept bad times as part of the good.

Men and women are independent and think they can probably be that way forever, so love happens less frequently. Real love, dependent love. People, I find, quit while they are ahead.

It's hard not to quit. It's hard not to quit anything you do, it's hard not to quit anything you love. If you quit, it won't hurt as much if you fail. And you will never know if you would have failed.

My friend has been seeing a man who she really felt something for. Now this is a friend who does not shy away from serious relationships. She goes for it each time, works at it, analyzes it, give it a good chance. They just seem to fail for one reason or another. Generally she gives up on them, after good thought, she decides it is not for her, one reason or another.

Only this time, the man she was seeing decided to give up on her. He decided it wasn't the right time for him, that if he ended it now, it would save them both. And she is devastated. I would be too. Afterall, she was ready to go for it, she was ready to try, despite the long distance (this was a bicaostal relationship), despite the difference in life/religous practice. She would try. She liked him, afterall. Why quit?

Well, apparently he thought it would be easier that way. So he did.

The truth is that people survive. We are all survivors. Things falter and we recover. We do. It is only natural. And the only advice to ever give to an ailing friend is that with time it will pass, you will move on and, inevitably, you will be happy. So maybe quitting is not so bad. You all end up ok. Scars and all.

I think about my career quite often. What should I do with it, how can I be more successful, how many road blocks should I overcome to get there? I mean I am pursuing music, there is no delineated path. You just walk it and whatever turn the path decides to make you have to follow it. There are peaks and valleys, successes, failures and the worst- plateaus. I think it is during the plateaus that I wonder, what am I doing here. I am for the most part broke, I am no where that I have not been and I am still standing, but where am I going. All of my other friends experience success, they seem to move ahead in whatever career path they have chosen. What about me?

Should I just quit?

And I think that, I wonder if I should just quit, while I am ahead. I mean it's not as though nothing has ever gone right for me in my career. I have had great experiences with my music. I could leave it here and pursue an entire different happiness. Not sure what it would be, but I am often sure, if I quit it would hurt, but I would end up happy in the end. I mean doesn't everyone find happiness??

But I don't think so. I am not sure that is true in love. And I love music as much as I've loved any man. And believe me, listen to my songs, I have loved. So why would I quit when I was ahead. What happened to 'til death do us part. What happened to feeling love and then committing to that feeling. Working for it.

No one on earth would tell you that love is going to be easy. No one in their right mind would tell you that pursuing something you love, a passion, is going to be easy.

So I don't quit, I keep going. Maybe if people worked for their passion in love and in life there would be less quitting and much more succeeding.

Life is not perfect and moving on is possible. There are situations that are worth getting out of, but there are other situations that are hard, but worth sticking to. I watch my friend in tears and I wish that this man would have tried for something I think was a great thing.

I look at myself in the mirror, voiceless, musicless and I think to myself, why would I give up? Even here, even at my lowest point? Why would I give up now on something I'm in love with? Just because its hard?

I won't. Til death do us part.

xRed Out Loud

Choose Your Words Wisely

Well Everyone, tomorrow is my 7th day of silence and, wahoo, I get to speak. Here's the catch I am alloted about 3-5 minute per hour per day for the next 7 days. I can't decide which will be harder for me. 7 straight days on no talking at all or 7 days where it's just simply a tease to speak. I will have to choose which words are worth saying, which words are not.

I will say that certain people have a knack for choosing their words wisely, and those people probably stay out of loads of trouble, that I find myself getting into on a consistent basis. Trouble for me ranges from being friendly to too many of the wrong people, flirting back with men just to make them feel good, ending up with friends I just did not want in the first place. And then, well, there are my opinions. I have a lot of them and I don't hide them. If I don't like what someone is wearing I'll say it, if I don't like what they say, I will say it. Then of course there is the matter of my loved ones. I am a fighter and I never let things rest unless I feel I have gotten the last word. Basically, what I am trying to say is I am a tough one, I use massive amounts of words and voice to get points across. I am not shy.

So this week, you can imagine, must have been trying. But in fact, I have gotten used to not speaking. I have gotten used to listening and I have gotten used to thinking the things I would say but not saying them. And guess what, I have averted many arguments I otherwise would have had. When you are forced to listen and not speak, you hear what the other person says, you think about, you digest it, because you have to and then you just look back. That is all you have. Your stare. And let me tell you, it gets your point across and hurts the person much less.

For example, in my weak state my mother thought tonight would be a good time to ask me if I'd like to go back to grad school. My mother is constantly supportive of my career goals while trying to divert me as at once, to calm her fears in some way or another. Oh, the Jewish mother. Oh, the mother in general. Normally I'd have yelled, screamed, said horrible things. But all I could do was roll my eyes, look at her and pitifully mouth, "you are going to do this right now?" My dad said, "well, we worry about you." And again, all I had were my eyes and a little chin jut. And miraculously, the conversation ended. No words on my part, no nothing. It ended, I got their point, they got mine. And no one cried! It was brilliant. Actually it was miraculous, really.

Then, the downside, I am limited to IM, e mail, text and a notepad. Today, my friend was dumped by her boyfriend. Dumped, my best friend. For the first time in her life. And I could not even call her. I had to pacify her through g chat. I feel incapacitated and I feel I am a bad friend.

And here is the worst! Or maybe it is for the best. Tomorrow I am meeting Dean's mother for the first time. She is here from England and I will not be able to say more then "hello, how are you?" How about that for dilemma?

I guess there are perks and downsides. Life in general, right?

Tomorrow I get words back. But not all of them. So I will have to choose now. I can't fall back on my inability to speak, but I can't go all out screaming and yelling all the time. I will have to think before speaking, decide when its worth it and when it's not, and make sure I get my points across, succinctly.

I will have to choose my words wisely...which will be much more of a challenge then choosing none at all.

xRedoutloud

A Letter from a fan

A letter I wrote to one of my favorite bloggers, or rather newletter writers- Bob Lefsetz. He gets it. So well, that I felt the need to respond this time! I guess with time on your hands there are no bounds ;) You can read his blog at www.lefsetz.com

Read below;
Dear Bob,

I am an avid reader of your blog and I wanted to let you know that this week it has come in handy in a most particular way. You see, I am an artist, a singer, a songwriter and I believe in music as you believe in music. From artists mouths to the listening ear. That is the heart of music and that is why music persists. Though I am at the crux of the age of the MTV generation, I too am made to feel sick and disappointed by the ongoing reality TV shows, the utterly horrible game shows and the unfortunate lack of, well MUSIC, that this supposed Music Television station claims to offer.

This week I have spent 6 days in silence. About 3 months ago I found out that I had a cyst on my most precious bodily organ. My Vocal Cord. 6 days ago I had it removed and over the next 2 months I will undergo therapy to not only get my singing voice back, but also to get my speaking voice back. I am not a quiet person, I don't listen well and I talk a lot! So this challenge has been a great one for me. But I did something, well two things (along with catching up on your blog), I had never done before. 1)I kept a diary of my experience, which means I slowed down long enough to do so and 2)I listened to music.

You see it's funny, as an artist you spend your days making music, writing, playing, practicing, honing your craft. I, in particular, love to work, play and write with other artists. It's a passion of mine to create original words, melodies and to share it, with whomever will listen. But I find over time that as my own music becomes my focus I stop listening to music. Ironic, I guess. You would think an artist, musician, would constantly be in touch with the artists and albums that have influenced them. But as hours during the day tend to get shorter and shorter I make less and less time to listen. Song by song, note by note.

This last e mail of yours, regarding Little Big Town, a band I also love, made me think about that. And in my silence I yearned for music, not just to sing it, but to listen to it. So I took out old cd's and I listened to them from start to finish. And I guess it does not really matter which ones, but it matters that I did it. I took the journey again with different artists that have spoken to me in different ways from Levon and the Band to, well, old Ella F.

And it brought back music to me. It was great. If the phone rang, I could not answer it, if someone spoke to me I could not speak back. But I could listen....

Thanks for keeping it real, for loving music for the right reasons. Hopefully people will catch on to you as I have.

Have a good one.

Deena

http://redoutloud.blogspot.com/
www.myspace.com/deenagoodman
- Show quoted text -

CARNEGIE HALL

I Just rubbed my eyes full of mascara, that is how tired I am, but I must at least begin this entry!

I sang at Carnegie Hall. I mentioned, at least twice, that this day was coming, but I never told you about it! I never told you about the day of, the day of rehearsals the afternoon before, the artists, the glory, the excitement. EVERYTHING!

How many times do you get to say this and mean it? IT WAS FABULOUS!!!!! No better word! Roger Mcguinn, Phoebe Snow, Shawn Colvin, Ryan Shaw! They loved us and we loved them. All was right in the world! To not only share the stage with Fools For April but also with these true artists was just about the only way I could have seen myself spending my last moments singing.

On stage and bloody Carny Hall (as Dean refers to it in English accent).

There's more, more, more! But to sleep I must. I believe that sleep is a large part of healing and I only have 2 more days to heal....so...

Goodnight!
x Red Out Loud

Sounds of Silence

10 sounds to make without your voice:

1)clicking heels
2)stomping feet
3)deep breaths
4)open/close of the refrigerator door
5)pouring water
6)heart beat (not in a silly way, but for real- listen- it speaks your moods when your words can't)!
7)grinding teeth
8)sniffing nose
9)typing keyboard (there are happy, sad, angry, bored typing rhythms)
10)clapping hands

All of these sounds work to communicate, not deeply, but at least to communicate, get attention, get a message across. Anything! Try it! I dare you all to try a fast of words, even for a day. These 10 sounds will mean much more to you then they ever have before!

Day 5

So here I am day 5, episode 32 of Weeds, Nancy is embezzling money from a fake city to buy and sell weed to take care of her kids and Celia has to take care of her abhorred injured ex husband. No one gets a break in the this show, in most shows I find that no one really ever catches a break, how could they? If people caught a break, there would be no show.....

I suppose like life, if I caught a break, my life would be smooth sailing but it would probably be boring. So here I am in my millionth dilemma, not a break in site...and I can't even talk about it! Now don't read this entry as bitter, I am not bitter, I appreciate the challenges I face. The big ones like: lose a lover, learn about yourself. Lose an audition, there is something better around the corner. Watch others succeed around you, don't be jealous, just work harder. Love and success are hard to come by, so there are bound to be bumps in the road. You learn. You work. You progress. That is great. All good and well.

I never thought one of my dilemmas would include losing what came easiest to me, my voice, probably the most instinctual move your body can make. Speak, answer when spoken to, respond, emote and for me and other lucky people, sing. It's one of those many, well, bodily functions, that most people take for granted. You do bad things to it, you do good things to it, you pay no attention to it at all, but still you assume it will be there regardless.

And that is how I treated my voice. I never ignored it. I loved it. But I would not say I treated it as my most prized possession, per se. I mean I can't count the drunken smoke filled nights I spent trudging all over my poor cords, mostly after I found out about my first injury. But it was all in the name of fun, right? And before my injury, I can't tell you how many times I sang my ass off, for so long, that the redness in my cords seeped through to the skin on my neck. But it was all for the love of the craft. Right? If I hit that high note 67 times instead of 65 I felt myself a winner! Glorious feeling to sing, to let out notes that when translated into emotion released the deepest parts of my worried soul. And even in the depths of that very soul I never thought I would ruin this part of myself, maybe for good even.

And I was not naive, I'd seen friends go through it. It is not that unusual that singers experience vocal problems, that singers undergo therapy or other types of treatment to fix an injured instrument. But I was just never going to be one of those people. It's funny as I write this I realize I must sound like one of those ads for protected sex, or something, where you see a young pregnant teenager explaining that she'd never thought it would be her, or some poor young man explaining he never thought he's be the one to end up with Herpes, or, worse, HIV.

Ok- so my bump in the road, not THAT big. But in a way, I relate to those folks. I never thought it would be me. And if you ask anyone else, they'd agree. Deena Goodman, lose her voice? Deena Goodman make it through 7 days (I realize I am only on day 5, but I intend to make it through) without voice use at all??

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I am here to say, it can happen to you, it can happen to anyone, and it happened to me.

This would sound cliche if it was not a reality, but it is. I am sitting here in Day 5 with my computer on my lap itching to just HUMMM a note but not being able to and being forced to in turn wonder if I ever will be able to. I have not heard my voice for 6 days, minus a slip up. I won't lie. As you know I accidentally spoke one word being woken up from a nap, but still. It was not loud enough, or long enough to hear. And all can think about is how do I sound, how will I sound, how hard will it be to speak again, how different will my voice sound and will I be able to sing?

Will I be able to sing? Will I be able to sing?

A question I never thought I would ask out loud. A road block I never thought I'd face. A break I never thought I'd hope for.

x Red Out Loud